Over the years as career coaches, we have seen a lot of tears—from men, from women, young and old. It is natural for strong emotions to surface when talking about career challenges because we expend such great proportions of our time and energy at work. When we feel like our time and energy are poorly spent, we feel frustrated and demoralized. We also often feel stuck because most of us can’t simply walk away from our livelihood. There are many reasons why coaching clients tear up, but one of the most common reasons is a toxic boss.
Seeing these bosses through clients’ eyes, it would be easy to picture ogres—narcissists, bullies, micromanagers—hell bent on creating a miserable environment for their employees. Some may be. But most are just human, with their own fears, struggles and insecurities. Most would probably be surprised to know that they have an employee on the verge of quitting, and most would probably be shocked to know that they have an employee who is utterly exasperated and questioning their self-worth.
We find ourselves reflecting on what, from our clients’ perspective, makes a boss “toxic.” Here are some of the common themes we hear:
- When hard-working employees are spread too thin, they are often terrible at setting boundaries. They are not accustomed to saying “no,” and being unable to handle all a manager throws at them feels like a failure.
- Bait and switch. This one is less interpersonal and more tactical. Very often we’ll have a client who was hired to do one job and quickly finds out they are expected to do something totally different. The enthusiastic new hire is quickly deflated, and the manager is unhappy.
- Victim of success. Sometimes, an employee does such a great job in a difficult tactical role/project/area that they become difficult to backfill. A manager has little incentive, and certainly no urgency, to promote this employee or to help him/her move laterally within the organization.
- Neglecting professional development. Employees must play a role in their own professional development. But nothing saps an ambitious employee’s motivation more than feeling like there is nowhere for them to go.
- Poor conflict resolution. We have had clients experiencing severe problems with a peer or colleague that they are unable to resolve, and their managers let the problem fester. These clients dread going to work every day. Unfortunately, an organization faced with this scenario is more likely to lose the better employee.
- Public criticism. It doesn’t take a dressing down to humiliate an employee. Even subtle jabs or condescension in meetings are unbearably hurtful.
For managers, awareness is key. People leaders can have a tremendous impact on not only their employees’ careers but also their well-being. It is a privilege and a huge responsibility.
For employees, you can’t control your boss, but there are some things you can control:
- Study culture. Look carefully at culture when joining an organization. Culture has a bigger impact on employee satisfaction than most people expect. Most people think of networking with people within an organization; you might also consider having a conversation or two with people who have left the organization.
- Manage up (know your boss). Do you know what is on your boss’ mind? Do you know what her concerns are? Do you see alignment between his success and yours? Does your boss trust you? Managers are expected to have empathy, but they are deserving of empathy too. A little bit could go a long way.
- Many employees have more power than they think or exercise.
If you are experiencing challenges with a manager, you might consider reading Designing Your New Work Life, by Burnett & Evans, which provides some actional advice around managing up and taking ownership. Also, Crucial Conversations, by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler, has some great tips for approaching challenging or sensitive discussion topics.
ACS offers career and executive coaching to degreed Darden alumni. If you are facing an on-the-job challenge, either as a leader or as an employee, reach out to us to schedule an appointment.
